simplicity

sometimes i wish life is more simple. 

church is just freaking complicated with a lot of dumb stuff. i can't go to church without feeling a little pressure, a little anger, some frustration and some tiredness. And it's quite lonely. 

i can't believe how just a handful of wolves in sheep skin can cause so much damage. even half of the shepherds are making compromise and deals with the wolves. this is hell. it's lawlessness and very very discouraging. 

went to a Bible talk by a scholar and he reminded us that at church, we are basically a collection of scums. We are there because we know that we are scams and we need God. What we share in common is our sinfulness. 

it reminded me of the time in college when during small group, the guys all confessed their sins to one another. how i miss that now. 

i can't do that at church, there are too many enemies who would be too happy to stab you if you show weaknesses or wrong. 

is this church able to function like a church? i m not too sure. are we just a party club? 

it is really sad to see how the body of Christ is so not the body of Christ with so much selfishness and corruption, rumors, gossips and etc. it a pain to see. and it is so hard to stand. 

The most scary and frightening thing is seeing people changing with their attitudes changing. It's quite obvious. A older brother who used to be quite friendly becomes rather hostile. He tries to pretend to be nice but it's there, i know that his view of me has changed. He sets up a wall between us, is less courteous, less friendly, guarded and short-tempered around me. It's heart breaking because I know that it is because somebody influenced him. Somebody probably said something to him. It is painful because this brother is a good brother, a good man on fire for God. The only thing is that he is somewhat naive, innocent and can't distinguish the wolves from the sheep so got prey on and used by the wolves. It is sad. Serving in church really make you understand Superman really. Superman can't use evil tactics and quite helpless at some situation because his moral value limits what he can do, but it also makes him great. 

Yeah, so yup, guys like me just look on and sigh~ The thing with us is that we don't try to make people worship us. We get people to worship God. We don't spend much of our time making "personality cult" like Mao Zedong or Lin Bao. We don't have time for that and it is very wrong according to our dictionary because that is not what it is suppose to be. 

I visited a webpage of one of the so-called shepherd and he posted stuff like: "Oh, I am puking blood," "being overworked," "the challenge is so great yet there is still a mountain to be climbed" and such as to get sympathy and let people know how hard he is working and to win over people. Man, I was like, you are not the only one, stop being so boastful of your so-called suffering. He's colluding with the wolves for selfish intention. He's compromising his values. At times I even wonder why he came to be a pastor at all. If flame is what he wants, why don't he go and be an actor or singer or etc? Oh, he's not good-looking enough, but his acting is definitely Oscar worthy so he can be an actor. 

When he preaches, he doesn't preach the Word of God or to the people, he preach to please the wolves. Another one compromises his preaching with the wolves. He would walk around the main message without actually saying it. His sermon becomes a big puzzle and can be interpreted as you like it. That's "post-modern" preaching. Excellent. It's sad. Very sad. What are the use of preachers who can't preach? 

I don't know what they are afraid of really. They are in their 40s, quite young with a lot of future ahead, years ahead. Why are they making compromises so soon and so young. What are they afraid of? People? Losing their jobs? Satan? Or God? 

If God is who they fear, what is there to fear otherwise? 

ENTER

What is happening now is what I have been fearing for a very long time while at this church. 

I know that things are not too good, but I did not know that it would come to this level. It has become very hard for good people to stand here. Good Christians either become quiet, hide from the spotlight and important responsibility, make compromises, get influenced and used, or leave the church outright. 

I know that some people are thinking of leaving and my heart goes out to them. They are leaving because they can't compromise with evil. And the number of good, mature, solid grounded Christians at this church is diminishing. We need those people, those good people to help us, not leave us but I understand their situations. The living space is being diminished day by day. The wolves are cunning, use dirty tools that good people can't use and squeezing the living space out of the good. 

I don't think we can replenish strong, mature Christians fast enough to take up the places of those who left and are leaving. It takes a lot of heart, time, and strong and mature Christians to nurture just a few young Christians into strong soldiers of God. And we are now losing the trainers, the ones who can mentor the young. 

To Give

This post also has to do with something mentioned earlier with the questioning.

As a PK and growing up in a pastor's family, I have been curious about how other church people view us. What are we to them?

Are we tools? People to be used? Friends? Fellow church members? Workers? Brothers and sisters? God's helpers? Servants of God? People to be respected? Slaves? Employees (die hard volunteers)? or what?

It bothers me a bit really, when I get questions that make me feel like less than an individual.

Ever since coming out of age, it really takes a leap of faith and courage to serve and be active at a church where my dad serves. There are always expected pain and hurt. There's always some kind of shit no matter how well you do. In fact, the better you do, the harder satan works against you.

To be involved in a ministry, you would naturally throw your heart out, and once you do that, you are putting your heart out there with the possibility of getting hurt. I did think about that.

People sometimes say ugly things like, "You are not a church member," "You didn't grow up in this church, " "You are not from this denomination," and others that are discriminating and insulting. My allegiance is to God, not of any particular earthy denomination or church. We serve God, not denomination. I get upset when I get asked, "Are you from [this denomination]?" or "Did you grow up in [this denomination]?" Some people actually use these kind of questions to raise suspicions. (Suspicion of what? loyalty?) I see these questions almost as insult to my testimony. It's discrimination.

And I must say, a lot of people actually don't know much about their so-called "denomination." They probably don't know its founder, how it came about and etc.

The funny case for us PKs is that since the average time a pastor work at a church is about 5-6 years, unlike most Christian, we don't get to grow up in one (or two) church for our whole lives. And it's a double edged sword. There are advantages to growing up in one church for your whole life and also disadvantage of it. Same for us that been to several churches.

PKs like me have to deal with a lot of insecurity. That comes with not having a very stable life and support group, and spiritual community. We are often expected to give a lot but get little back. I always feel that there are sides of me that are underdeveloped and that I wasn't nurtured enough.

Growing up in overseas Chinese churches where was mostly only one pastor being my dad, I didn't get regular nurturing from a pastor. And PKs are often neglected at church. People demands a lot for their kids but PKs are often not cared for. It would be better if I grew up in one church where people know who I am and watched me grow up from a kid, but as entering different churches as teenager and young adult, there are some expectation. I was not to be nurtured or be a burden of church members but be helpful and give.

I don't think it's fair and it leaves me a little bitter but life goes on. I often try very hard to forget about that and think that as long as the end result is for the Lord and for good, then I am okay with it.

The scars and hurt come when things don't turn out well. It's like a rock behind thrown into the face. Or to where it is delicate and most painful.

Things seem to be really negative and I might sound like an angry person, but it's only because negative stuff ticks me off the most.

Life isn't all that bad, church life isn't all bad. Most of it is good I would like to think and it's probably true.

It's funny how few people or one or two incidents can have so much negative impact. It's a petty. But when you count the blessings, you can't keep track at all because there are simply too much.

Even things that some people intended for bad end up having some positive effect. They sometimes backfire for good.

The past week, I went to practice basketball with other brothers and had a great time with the guys. In the team, we have boys in their 10s, me and Ken in our 20s and others in their 30s and 40s. We have a good bunch. I like how we are of different fellowships and age range.

Saturday service and then church's trip on Sunday. I enjoy being with other brothers and sisters. There were some quiet hostility from some people but those can be ignored. We had fun, had some time to talk and know more about one another. It was time like that that I got to forget about the troubles at church and truly enjoy one another's company like we should. When I can be more of myself, be freer and open myself up more.

There are so much craps we don't need at church.

I heard of news how several senior leaders at churches and seminaries are going through hard time. My hearts go out to them. It's very difficult to stand up for God nowadays. People are different now, more worldly than ever and more self-centered and selfish. People are harder to manage now.

I see the current generation of clergy as sneakier, more worldly, with less struggles and less spiritual maturity. They might be smarter with more advance degrees (actually not really) and better at dealing with people and with ways of the world, but they make compromise with the world to succeed.

The older generations of clergy were more idealistic, pure, simple, spiritually solid, endured (or remembered) more hardship and had a better (purer) heart for God. It can be said that they are also naive, but no, they just knew the truth better.

I look back at the early generation of church leaders in Hong Kong like Dr. Teng and Rev. Bao who were very well educated, been through tough times, had great heart for God and despite their success and their positions, are very humble human beings. They are incredible people. I met them several times and they were very gentle, humble people. Very nice old men. There's no pride or self-glorification in their manners. I thank God that I got to meet them. Just being at their presence taught me a lot.

They have pure hearts for God and with a lot of faith. I hope more pastors nowadays are like them. They are truly servants of God. We need more people like them now.

Disturbed

I guess not too much encouragement here. A lot of venting here because the issues that I am facing are things that are difficult to talk with others, especially people from church.

Being a PK, a large portion of my life is revolved around church, just like many other devoted Christians out there. But there are some differences and one of the issue that I am facing is one of frustration. The frustration has to do with how my personal, family life is becoming part of church gossips and church politics.

It pisses me off literally. This post is actually ignited by what I typed in one of the older post. I was asked if I can differentiate between my father's serving and my own. I actually wanted to reply, "Can you differentiate?" and I wanted to add, "Why are you asking this question? What the intention of the question?" Why can't he just spit it out clearly?

GOSSIPING

Another rumor is about whether my brother would go back to US to study. It is somewhat a church gossip topic. Why does it matter whether my brother is going to US for school? Why is there such a rumor. The other part of the rumor is that maybe my dad would go with my brother to US.

What the heck? Where do all these rumors come from? How come I have to hear it from someone else? Why does my brother's future education possibility get on the church gossip column? Why is my brother being used in church politic?

It is wrong and I am angry. This should not be happening. I am further disappointed in how there's no concern and care about the feelings of my brother, father, mother and I in this matter. Whoever started this rumor is using my brother, an innocent young high school kid, as a tool for his own selfish reasons.

That person is polluted and perverted, and has a very serious problem. What the heck is wrong with him or her?

It is perverted, it is utterly wrong. Think about it. That gossiper used an innocent child's future education prospect as way to manipulate people's view of the senior pastor of the church.

How wrong can that be? And it's spreading all the way back to my family. Someone asked, "He [my brother] is going overseas for school?"

How come I don't know that? My brother is going to school overseas?

Intention

What is the intention behind this rumor? It is very clear, that the senior pastor, my father, is planning on leaving the church soon.

What the heck?

I pretty much guess the gossiper intended the rumor to make people doubt the senior pastor's commitment to the church.

So corrupted and such lack of moral and decency. Can he just shut up? And it's spreading, influencing many members of the church. People need to stop. People who heard the gossip have to tell that person to stop, and that it's wrong.

Afterthought

I actually questions people's ability to distinguish what's right and wrong, what's gossip and what's not. My church's education level is actually not bad and relatively highly educated in comparison to other churches. (At least the ratio of PhD is pretty good) But do we have high moral and ethical standard ? Is our sense of right and wrong strong? Can we distinguish black from white? And vice versa? Do we have a good relationship with God? Are we listening to Him? Are we reflecting on our lives with God's Word? Are we Christ's elite soldiers?

I wish the answer is "Yes," but it's probably a "No" for many and "Yes" for a few. I hope that there will be a revival and we need it now, not later, now.

I think part of the problem is that we are being influenced by worldliness, post-modernism. We learn to refer to terms such as things being "technically correct," "politically correct," "legally correct," "logically sound (logical),"and etc., but we forget about what's Biblically correct. Bible is no longer our guide, the Word of God is no longer paramount. We refer to the "government's standard" and other kinds of measurement. In other words, worldly standard.

We are in a difficult time, especially in a city like Hong Kong. We are dealing with a lot of worldly forces, the tools of satan. We need to be strong. We can't afford to kill ourselves at home (church), we can't afford to go on hurting one another. We need to consolidate ourselves. Get armed with our shield, helmet, armor and sword. Build up one another, not tear one another apart with gossips, rumors and other means.


May God help us.



I guess it's a good think my brother is going to another church, an English church, so he doesn't have to hear these ridiculous things. TC is the first church he went to in Hong Kong and he grew up here. He enjoyed Sunday school here when he was small but then his friends at Sunday school left and soon he was the only one in class. Very depressing. He had to join an older class. Also, the Sunday school "Chinese" textbook text was getting a bit too difficult for him to read. Now he's going to a church many of his friends go and they have a very good youth ministry there.

It's actually another example of how PKs get neglected. It's depressing, our parents spend so much time at church yet the needs of PKs are often not cared for (yet still be expected to be model in church). My brother had been going to TC for more than 4 years but when he left, nobody raised any concern. It seemed as if nobody cared. People only ask when it comes up in a conversation or when my brother comes for a visit and say something like, "I haven't seen him for so long." It hurts my mom a bit. In a span of about 4-6 months, nobody raised any concern. It's sad. It's unfair.

And...

It also raised other problems at church, such as:
How come my brothers' peers stopped going to Sunday ( and TC)?
Why did the families of kids leave TC?
If my brother left without follow-up, then, did the other kids (and their families) get any needed attention?

These questions lead to other questions, such as:

How come there are age (generation) gaps at church?
Why are people leaving?
Are we paying attention to the needs of people?

And these questions lead to more questions and so on...

Dreams for TC

There are several things I wish for TC. For people of different fellowships and background to be united no matter how we were brought up and reared by who.

I wish that all of us could be one big family, like what it should be.

I dream that the young brothers and sisters at TSF will be firm in the Word of God and the faith. To be ever young at heart and energetic, bring their friends and become good leaders to help others. Wish that they will be strong like the house built on a rock.

I hope that the good leaders at TC be strong and that God speaks to them and give them wisdom and courage.

Real Life

Today, I had lunch with a pastor at church and one of the questions that came up was, well, actually the question was very indirect, but the meaning was clear. It was about my commitment to church and whether I am serving because of my dad or not (or for church). It was very vague question but the intention and meaning of the question was very clear. It was on whether I am here committed to serve church whether my father would continue to serve the church or not. The pastor made the example of, "If your brother is going to school overseas with your dad, would you still be at this church? Can you make the distinction."

I find the question offensive. And I think he should know better. The question really was "if I would stay if my dad leave the church." He versed the question very carefully so that on surface it doesn't seem to be anything of significance but it is.

I have been asked to change my membership. And I have resisted not because I don't care. I care about the church intensely, I lose sleep because of bad things happening at church, I feel pain when things go wrong at church and my father feels the same.

I am very concern with the church, probably more concern than most of the "church members." Why? Because this is God's church. This is God's and it is being polluted and perverted. I cry for the innocent people at church. The new believers, the high school students, the young, the good and naive. I care for their spiritual walk, foundation in the faith and relationship with God. I would pain me a lot if I see the church decay. To see these energetic young Christians get perverted by twisted people who are too selfish to see the Truth. Too selfish to see God, too selfish and too prideful to see that this is not their church, this is God's church, Christ's body.

If an average church goer or member see what I see, know what I know about the ugly things that go on in this church, he would probably leave. In fact, a lot of people have left. There is reason why there's holes (population gap) at church.

Going to this church is difficult for me, but I serve here with my heart and devote much time to it because I believe that I could a difference and hopefully people can see that things can be improved, that we can make a breakthrough. I hope that through my serving, people can see my father's position. There are gossips going around, negative things going around about my father which are untrue. I want them to see that it's not so by action, not words, but action.

I knew that when I decided to be more involved at church that the more involved i am at serving, the difficult and painful it would be. because when you serve, you throw part of your heart out there, and naturally you get attached and form relationships with people. The deeper you get, the deeper the hurt can be when things go wrong. The stake go up. I think experienced pastors know this fact and so do people who serve wholeheartedly. It's kind of like the more you hope for the greater the disappointment could be.

And at times, even when you throw yourself out to serve, to make a difference, it might not be appreciated or accepted. You might rejected. We can see Paul experienced that sometimes in his letters. But as Christian, as servants of God, we sometimes have to make tough decisions and know that we do it for God. We do what's right and acceptable not in the sight of men but in the eyes of God. We serve God, that's our ultimate purpose. Sometimes we have to made decisions and act on them. We can fool people but we can't fool God and we will be accountable to Him.

We can be short-sighted and look only at treasures (of the world) that we can see with our naked eyes. The treasure is up there. That's what important, not what's down here. It pains me that even some pastors at church do not know what they are doing at best, or at worst, doing wrongs knowingly for personal benefits. That is painful to see. It's a petty. It's heartbreaking.

We can be so much better. We can do so much better. We have so much potential. But some of us chose not to and stall and limit what we can do for God.

We need God, the world needs God. The world, especially a place like Hong Kong, needs God. We need to know what's right and wrong, and say "No" to wrongs and do what's right. We are given free will, we are responsible for ourselves. We are responsible for our ministries, church, for our community, our city. Nobody going to do it for us. We have to do it. It should be our burden, our mission.

I answered with, "My approach is that I will serve as long as I am here," I don't know how long I would be here but as long as I am here, I would like to serve the church in whatever ways I can that would benefit the church. I serve the Lord and that's beyond any earthly church membership and barrier. I even said that it is difficult for me to see myself living in Hong Kong in the long run, permanently, like in ten years. As long as I am here, I would like to serve actively. That's my attitude in serving, I give what I can give: time, energy, heart, soul, mind, etc. 

I can't see what tomorrow going to bring. I do not know how long I would stay here. Anything can happen, things can change. People living in Hong Kong should understand this. We live in a society of constant change. But does that mean we don't do what is needed to be done now, just because we don't know what tomorrow is going to bring? No. 

It's like playing competitive sport, like football (soccer). As a player, you practice, train and keep your body in the best shape possible in preparation for the football match. You might be playing against a stronger team with little hope of winning, or you might get injured by a tackle, or you might get a red card, or you might be traded to another team before the next match, or you might even die on the field. Nobody knows, but you get prepare for that match no matter what. You hope to play well and you hope to win disregarding whether you know the outcome or not.