To Give

This post also has to do with something mentioned earlier with the questioning.

As a PK and growing up in a pastor's family, I have been curious about how other church people view us. What are we to them?

Are we tools? People to be used? Friends? Fellow church members? Workers? Brothers and sisters? God's helpers? Servants of God? People to be respected? Slaves? Employees (die hard volunteers)? or what?

It bothers me a bit really, when I get questions that make me feel like less than an individual.

Ever since coming out of age, it really takes a leap of faith and courage to serve and be active at a church where my dad serves. There are always expected pain and hurt. There's always some kind of shit no matter how well you do. In fact, the better you do, the harder satan works against you.

To be involved in a ministry, you would naturally throw your heart out, and once you do that, you are putting your heart out there with the possibility of getting hurt. I did think about that.

People sometimes say ugly things like, "You are not a church member," "You didn't grow up in this church, " "You are not from this denomination," and others that are discriminating and insulting. My allegiance is to God, not of any particular earthy denomination or church. We serve God, not denomination. I get upset when I get asked, "Are you from [this denomination]?" or "Did you grow up in [this denomination]?" Some people actually use these kind of questions to raise suspicions. (Suspicion of what? loyalty?) I see these questions almost as insult to my testimony. It's discrimination.

And I must say, a lot of people actually don't know much about their so-called "denomination." They probably don't know its founder, how it came about and etc.

The funny case for us PKs is that since the average time a pastor work at a church is about 5-6 years, unlike most Christian, we don't get to grow up in one (or two) church for our whole lives. And it's a double edged sword. There are advantages to growing up in one church for your whole life and also disadvantage of it. Same for us that been to several churches.

PKs like me have to deal with a lot of insecurity. That comes with not having a very stable life and support group, and spiritual community. We are often expected to give a lot but get little back. I always feel that there are sides of me that are underdeveloped and that I wasn't nurtured enough.

Growing up in overseas Chinese churches where was mostly only one pastor being my dad, I didn't get regular nurturing from a pastor. And PKs are often neglected at church. People demands a lot for their kids but PKs are often not cared for. It would be better if I grew up in one church where people know who I am and watched me grow up from a kid, but as entering different churches as teenager and young adult, there are some expectation. I was not to be nurtured or be a burden of church members but be helpful and give.

I don't think it's fair and it leaves me a little bitter but life goes on. I often try very hard to forget about that and think that as long as the end result is for the Lord and for good, then I am okay with it.

The scars and hurt come when things don't turn out well. It's like a rock behind thrown into the face. Or to where it is delicate and most painful.