What is it like being a PK?

Every now and then, I get people asking me, "What is it like being a pastor's kid? Do you have pressure?"

It's a question that I find myself having a little trouble to answer despite knowing the answer so well. I usually give the standard answer like "Yes, there is pressure. I have to think carefully before I speak..." And I think that's usually all I can say. There are a lot more but what can I say when a church member ask me?

I can't really say, "Well, I get to take in some of the heat from people misbehaving in church. I feel like I am pretending to be someone else sometimes. There are lots of crappy, stupid, maddening things happening at church and I can't talk about it with anybody. I get judged harshly and my parents get complaints when I mess up. I think people sometimes take us for granted, disrespecting us and I can't say anything about it. I get excluded sometimes because of who my dad is and not who I am. People expect a lot from me yet I don't get as much caring in return, at least that's how I feel. I feel that I am giving a lot at times without getting the caring and nurture I needed. People expect that I get a lot of pastor's care and know a lot about the Bible and theology because my dad is a 'living Bible dictionary' but you know what, the church took most of my dad's time from me. I don't get the same pastoral care as you, sometimes I get jealous of church members, when they have a problem they can call my dad while I, well, can't really go to my dad for some of the issues I have." And stuff like that. Some of them are just not ...appropriate I guess (there should be a better word for it).

What is it really like to be a PK in a Chinese church?

I actually been a PK in 2 Hong Kong churches, a Chinese-Australian church and a Chinese-American church.

It was good when I was little because I got a lot of attention and it was fun. Church was kind of like my playground and when you were a kid, people just adore you. Lot of big sisters there to pamper you and give you candies and stuff. And I was too young to know anything.

The hard part was going to another church especially during adolescent years. That was a time when support and peers really mattered. And also at that time, i began to know what was going on at church with stupid politics and gossips and etc.

Overseas Chinese Churches: 1st Generation and ABCs

In the overseas church like the Chinese-American and Australian churches I find that it were elders, the parents who were born in China who had the most problems and stir things. Making something out of nothing. Mostly, they are the onces who use different dirty tricks to disrupt ministries. They are somewhat polluted, very self-centered and play the power game at church. Very un-Christian. I guess they just have too much pride. Too much face. But then they are only a very small minority yet they affect the church so much because of their web of personal ties.

The ABCs, on the other hand, are more pure and don't get as much in politics. They are generally nice and good-intended people.

It has probably to do with how the 1st generation who came to US or Australia had to struggle and don't have much standing or status in work or in society so church is like the place where they can be powerful, with standing and etc. I am guessing here. Whereas the 2nd generation who grew up in US or Oz (Australia) do pretty well in their social standing at work and in society. They don't see themselves as second-class citizens, at least not as much as their parents who probably had a hard time dealing with English and this "new" environment. The ABCs see themselves more as Americans or Australians. They don't have much power jealousy at church and probably reared up well by the youth pastors who their parents hired specifically to make sure their kids turn out alright.

And Chinese kids generally do well in school so go to good universities and get good jobs. They are happier people, and their hearts for God is purer.

That's my theory at least. It's not base on any research but just on my observation.


Dad, pastor, serving, church

It's natural for PKs to serve in church. I think that can be one of the good things of being PKs, there's always opportunity to serve. Sometimes, we might get hauled to serve in stuff that nobody wants to do but I do get called on. It's like double-edged sword. When church people see a spot to fill, they often call the PKs first. There is some pressure there. My sister probably had a hard time with that. She had a hard time saying "No" to people and at times ended up being really exhausted from serving that takes away from the joy to serve our Lord and it became somewhat tedious and job-like. Some church leaders and pastors get push people a bit too much.

As a PK, I find it somewhat uncomfortable to say "No" because of the whole reputation, being the pastor's kid, you should a role model and some people have this really unhealth concept that when you hire a pastor, his wife and whole family come as a whole package-like buy one and get one to five FREE. (The buy one get one free concept is actually being abused in many overseas churches) The thing is that some people think that the pastor's family should serve as much as the pastor, like the extension crew and with that kind of thinking, the pastor's family just don't get appreciated. We become part of the church staff.

Not saying that we don't want to serve, but this attitude towards the pastor's family is just plain wrong. We should be treated as fellow Christians, brothers and sisters in Christ, not staff, outside people. One example I had was when we set up table. An older brother (usually Chinese refer to as an uncle) would tell me to set tables and i would do it without complaint but why was i the only one being called on by time to set up the tables? What about the other boys? His own kids? Why was I always (or very often) the only one called up? That's discrimination. I was set apart as being something different.

And I got minimum care and nurturing. I still remember the time when I was put into a very isolated room during summer retreat while all the other boys were roomed near one another. That was total isolation. I was not one of them. I was something else. I was staff. And I was only a teenager. There were little effort by the parents of other children to include me in their activities. They cared very much for their own kids but I was something else. If there was work to be done, tedious stuff, then I would be called on, but everything else I was excluded out on.

I was at that church for about 4 years and it was hard to take. But then I understood why so many pastor's kids hate church, runaway from church or are very rebellious. Did I see Christian love? Were we treated as fellow brothers and sisters? No way. We were being abused. We were being excluded, set apart. I totally can understand why some PKs turned away from Christ. A very regular church member would probably just leave that church, but a PK can't. His dad has a reputation, he has to be an example. People expected unreasonable things from PK and his dad and family.

If the same situation happens to a regular church goer, he would leave in anger. PKs are human and would do likewise. Some people blame it on the pastor, but it's the church people who are really responsible. What the pastor do? I truly feel for my fellow PKs and know a few who don't like church.

I remember one time, my family had dinner with another pastor family and a PK asked me if we faced any trouble at church. And I really regret on not being able to share with her the troubles I faced. I guess we were a bit ashame and wanted to look good. I was teenager then, I didn't say anything. I wish I did, wished that we shared because I knew that she was having a difficult time and it was brave of her to bring up that topic and I still feel bad on not being responsive. I wish we kept in touch. I had her email but I lost it many years ago. I hope she's doing well. She lost her father who was pastor and I don't think the church treated her mom, who also worked at that church, too well. From my memory, her mom worked very hard at church and that took time away for the children. I wonder where she is now. I feel like an ass and a wimp not being able to help and care more.

There needs to be a ministry for PKs.

How we use God

I think sometimes we say "let God handle it", "let God take control" or "let God move His hand" and other similar sayings too causally. Some even use the such phrases to say "let's God do all the work, I will sit here and do nothing." Some simply misinterpret these popular sayings as an excuse of idliness, which the Bible preaches against.

At our church, the phrase "let God lead us" was used many times by different people. The meaning differ according to the different people who used it. Since 06, which is more than 2 years ago, the need of hiring a female pastor was raised in deacon board and it was agreed that church would hire a female pastor to accommodate the needs of the church. However, to this day, we still haven't hire a female pastor. I was there during the past 2 yearly church meetings, in '07 and '08, and at both meetings, our senior pastor and members and even ex-deacons raised questions about the progress of the hiring and emphasized the great need of a female pastor to help with the ministries at church. Brothers and sisters from different ministries demanded the deacon board to act, yet the chairman replied with a new excuse each time.

First, he said that they, the deacon board, would see if the church really needed one more staff.

This actually showed distrust of brothers and sisters at church, and the pastors at church. It was apparent to all who were involved in the ministries at church that there was an urgent need for a female pastors.

The staff were told to keep a log book afterward, and they kept the log book for a year and continued to do so to this day. A year afterward, the log book showed that the pastors were working about 13 hours per day. In a year time, existing ministries had expanded, fellowships had grew, new ministries had arised and church was going through changes as many couple were getting marry and we were seeing a baby boom.

Don't know how to start but I will just say what's on my mind and introduce myself a bit.

I am Calvin and I am a pastor's kid. I am a middle child and my dad has been serving the Lord before I was born, so I was basically born in church. Grew up in churches my whole life.

Been through some rough stuff growing up as a pastor's kid and in church. Actually I still do. I am currently going to the church my dad is serving at. I knew some other pastor's kids. Some are alright and doing well, and some not too good. I totally think there should be better support for pastors, pastor's wives and pastor's kids. I thought about collecting stories from pastor's kids and compile them into a book like a Chicken Soup book for pastor's kids, but that's probably something further on in the future. I am actually collecting stories now so, if you happen to be a PK and wouldn't mind to sure please send in a comment and feel free to email me at: cycalvinchu@gmail.com. Or if you are struggling, drop a comment and I can pray for you.

Well, anyway, as a pastor's kid, there are a lot of things that I can't tell most of my church members about because it might discourage them or simply because they wouldn't understand or for other reasons. So I basically vent by writing. I lush out my disappointment, frustration, pain, anger, outcry, sadness and etc with writing. During a conversation, the pastor of my previous church I went to suggested that I should start a blog.

So after thinking about it, I agree. It can be lonely as a PK sometimes and I hope that by sharing some of my experiences and thoughts, I might be able to help others. To bring better understand of PKs by others and let other PKs know that he or she is not alone. There are many of us out there who are probably going through similar experience.

Recently, there are many unpleasant things happening at my church right now. It has been difficult going to church sometimes, at times I feel like as if I am going into a battlefield. And God tells us that we are suppose to be his soldiers, but it is still hard because most people don't think church should be a battlefield, but a simple place of worship, praise and love. Many churchgoers do not know what's exactly happening at their church right now, with church politics, illnesses and weaknesses of the church and etc. But as an adult pastor kid, I get to experience and see a lot of things, some ugly and bad, that not too many people are aware of.

Things that you don't expect to be happening in a mob is happening at church. There are lies, backstabbing, insults and etc happening at church. I wonder sometimes whether some churchgoers actually believe in God, it seems that they are part of Satan's work more than doers of God's work. Some lie to hundred of people. to themselves and to God on the podium. It's shocking and very sad and demoralizing. People misquoting the Scriptures, bending the Words for their own selfish evil schemes. People using one another for reasons I cannot comprehend.

Yes, going to church to me is sometimes disappointing. I wonder at why these people are doing such things. Don't they call themselves Christians, literally meaning "little Christs," a name given to the early Christians because they were Christ-like and set apart from others. A lot of times people at church became part of the work of Satan because of insecurity, pride, selfishness, poor spiritual life, hate and etc. It hurts because they are hurting the flock. They are hurting the church, God church, and often me and my family as well.

As a PK, I sometimes get isolated, I get rough treatment, people say disrespectful things to me, expect certain things they don't expect from themselves or their kids from me and experience other such injustice. Of course, there are good people too and good side of being a PK.

But through all these experience and seeing how wrong things are, I see why we need God more than ever. Because men are crooked. We are sinful. We are stupid. We are freaking idiots and there's no God, no Christ, no cross, then there is no HOPE for us. All that is good come from God. Justice, beauty, truth and etc. We need God. We are hopeless without God. It would be a scary place if there's no Bible to tell us what's right and wrong. So, being at church, even when seeing all these things going wrong, it is really a reminder of how important God is and why it is so important for us to follow his Words. I don't want to be one of the bad guys. I want things to better. I want justice. I want truth to reign. And God is the truth.

In bad situation when it seems like all hope is lost and that Satan and his work is just pounding down, crushing me, all I got is God. He is my hope from all these wickedness.