What is it like being a PK?

Every now and then, I get people asking me, "What is it like being a pastor's kid? Do you have pressure?"

It's a question that I find myself having a little trouble to answer despite knowing the answer so well. I usually give the standard answer like "Yes, there is pressure. I have to think carefully before I speak..." And I think that's usually all I can say. There are a lot more but what can I say when a church member ask me?

I can't really say, "Well, I get to take in some of the heat from people misbehaving in church. I feel like I am pretending to be someone else sometimes. There are lots of crappy, stupid, maddening things happening at church and I can't talk about it with anybody. I get judged harshly and my parents get complaints when I mess up. I think people sometimes take us for granted, disrespecting us and I can't say anything about it. I get excluded sometimes because of who my dad is and not who I am. People expect a lot from me yet I don't get as much caring in return, at least that's how I feel. I feel that I am giving a lot at times without getting the caring and nurture I needed. People expect that I get a lot of pastor's care and know a lot about the Bible and theology because my dad is a 'living Bible dictionary' but you know what, the church took most of my dad's time from me. I don't get the same pastoral care as you, sometimes I get jealous of church members, when they have a problem they can call my dad while I, well, can't really go to my dad for some of the issues I have." And stuff like that. Some of them are just not ...appropriate I guess (there should be a better word for it).

What is it really like to be a PK in a Chinese church?

I actually been a PK in 2 Hong Kong churches, a Chinese-Australian church and a Chinese-American church.

It was good when I was little because I got a lot of attention and it was fun. Church was kind of like my playground and when you were a kid, people just adore you. Lot of big sisters there to pamper you and give you candies and stuff. And I was too young to know anything.

The hard part was going to another church especially during adolescent years. That was a time when support and peers really mattered. And also at that time, i began to know what was going on at church with stupid politics and gossips and etc.

Overseas Chinese Churches: 1st Generation and ABCs

In the overseas church like the Chinese-American and Australian churches I find that it were elders, the parents who were born in China who had the most problems and stir things. Making something out of nothing. Mostly, they are the onces who use different dirty tricks to disrupt ministries. They are somewhat polluted, very self-centered and play the power game at church. Very un-Christian. I guess they just have too much pride. Too much face. But then they are only a very small minority yet they affect the church so much because of their web of personal ties.

The ABCs, on the other hand, are more pure and don't get as much in politics. They are generally nice and good-intended people.

It has probably to do with how the 1st generation who came to US or Australia had to struggle and don't have much standing or status in work or in society so church is like the place where they can be powerful, with standing and etc. I am guessing here. Whereas the 2nd generation who grew up in US or Oz (Australia) do pretty well in their social standing at work and in society. They don't see themselves as second-class citizens, at least not as much as their parents who probably had a hard time dealing with English and this "new" environment. The ABCs see themselves more as Americans or Australians. They don't have much power jealousy at church and probably reared up well by the youth pastors who their parents hired specifically to make sure their kids turn out alright.

And Chinese kids generally do well in school so go to good universities and get good jobs. They are happier people, and their hearts for God is purer.

That's my theory at least. It's not base on any research but just on my observation.


Dad, pastor, serving, church

It's natural for PKs to serve in church. I think that can be one of the good things of being PKs, there's always opportunity to serve. Sometimes, we might get hauled to serve in stuff that nobody wants to do but I do get called on. It's like double-edged sword. When church people see a spot to fill, they often call the PKs first. There is some pressure there. My sister probably had a hard time with that. She had a hard time saying "No" to people and at times ended up being really exhausted from serving that takes away from the joy to serve our Lord and it became somewhat tedious and job-like. Some church leaders and pastors get push people a bit too much.

As a PK, I find it somewhat uncomfortable to say "No" because of the whole reputation, being the pastor's kid, you should a role model and some people have this really unhealth concept that when you hire a pastor, his wife and whole family come as a whole package-like buy one and get one to five FREE. (The buy one get one free concept is actually being abused in many overseas churches) The thing is that some people think that the pastor's family should serve as much as the pastor, like the extension crew and with that kind of thinking, the pastor's family just don't get appreciated. We become part of the church staff.

Not saying that we don't want to serve, but this attitude towards the pastor's family is just plain wrong. We should be treated as fellow Christians, brothers and sisters in Christ, not staff, outside people. One example I had was when we set up table. An older brother (usually Chinese refer to as an uncle) would tell me to set tables and i would do it without complaint but why was i the only one being called on by time to set up the tables? What about the other boys? His own kids? Why was I always (or very often) the only one called up? That's discrimination. I was set apart as being something different.

And I got minimum care and nurturing. I still remember the time when I was put into a very isolated room during summer retreat while all the other boys were roomed near one another. That was total isolation. I was not one of them. I was something else. I was staff. And I was only a teenager. There were little effort by the parents of other children to include me in their activities. They cared very much for their own kids but I was something else. If there was work to be done, tedious stuff, then I would be called on, but everything else I was excluded out on.

I was at that church for about 4 years and it was hard to take. But then I understood why so many pastor's kids hate church, runaway from church or are very rebellious. Did I see Christian love? Were we treated as fellow brothers and sisters? No way. We were being abused. We were being excluded, set apart. I totally can understand why some PKs turned away from Christ. A very regular church member would probably just leave that church, but a PK can't. His dad has a reputation, he has to be an example. People expected unreasonable things from PK and his dad and family.

If the same situation happens to a regular church goer, he would leave in anger. PKs are human and would do likewise. Some people blame it on the pastor, but it's the church people who are really responsible. What the pastor do? I truly feel for my fellow PKs and know a few who don't like church.

I remember one time, my family had dinner with another pastor family and a PK asked me if we faced any trouble at church. And I really regret on not being able to share with her the troubles I faced. I guess we were a bit ashame and wanted to look good. I was teenager then, I didn't say anything. I wish I did, wished that we shared because I knew that she was having a difficult time and it was brave of her to bring up that topic and I still feel bad on not being responsive. I wish we kept in touch. I had her email but I lost it many years ago. I hope she's doing well. She lost her father who was pastor and I don't think the church treated her mom, who also worked at that church, too well. From my memory, her mom worked very hard at church and that took time away for the children. I wonder where she is now. I feel like an ass and a wimp not being able to help and care more.

There needs to be a ministry for PKs.