Weary Heart

I have mentioned several times that it's sometimes tiring to go to church, and today was another one.

At times it's like a battle. It's like going into a war zone, a battlefield. A spiritual battle with good against evil. I just have be on my guard there, it's super tiring and emotionally draining.

I notice how some people have backed away as they see me, and that warmth which was once there is not there anymore. And I don't really know why, but I can guess. It's not the first time. I have been through similar experience before. Something bad is going on. Lines are being drawn. It's painful and confusing. People who usually would come up and talk to me, or smile now kind of just turn "cold" . The usual "hi" or smile isn't there anymore. All I get is silent.

It is something that I was somewhat afraid of when I came to this church.

To tell the truth, I would actually like to avoid going to church on Sunday, at least not Sunday service with all the people. It's just a very high pressured place at times. Saturday seems to be a simpler day with less people.

Dad gave a long sermon today. His sermons aren't bad, but it stresses me out sometimes to be there listening to his sermon. Sometimes it's embarrassing when he mentions me or use another one of those examples or stories that I had heard so many times before. I can be so critical on his sermons, more so than any other preachers. Sometimes it's tense for me and I worry about how people might react.

Being a pastor is a very lonely and high-pressured work. I feel some of the loneliness and pressure just being a pastor's son, imagine the things he has to go through! I am actually quite amazed about how he and other pastors take all the pressure yet not make compromises.